I try

Yes, once again - a year later...  I created this blog, because I was plagued with the need to dump my thoughts!  And I STILL am plagued with that need, but even I can't keep up with my thoughts at times. However, the last two nights, I was woken up with words just escaping my brain.  I don't even know how, why, or what for, but I suddenly wake out of a dead sleep and my thoughts just rush out.  Wonder why I have anxiety...

So, what have I been thinking about?  Well, thinking about how I try!  I try at a lot of different things, but am not always successful.  I mean, I fail OFTEN.  It can be really really exhausting to constantly try and never fully achieve.  So, why keep trying??  But, we're going to try our ENTIRE lives at things and never really have utmost success. I swear I'm not a perfectionist either.  Far from it - I'm quite content with things being undone and a little chaos (just a little!!).  

  

1.  I try to have patience.  I really do!  I TRY to continually have patience.  With my children (reeeeally trying sometimes), my husband, my coworkers, conversations that I find worthless but realize are important to others, technology, human stupidity, intolerance for what's justifiably correct, tomatoes and black olives... I really try to put up with a lot and exude patience.  It's just so trying at times...  especially when I'm so opinionated in general.

2.  I try to be present.  I really make an effort to enjoy TODAY and now.  As a mom to two young kids, it's so easy to reflect and yearn for when they were this or that age.  And just be in continuous amazement at how fast time goes.  Or to think about work, or watch TV around them while they play, or try to master Candy Crush...  I mean, there are a million other things to do now, other than enjoy now.  But, if I'm living there - then I'm not living here.  And here is cool!!  I mean, we have a LOT of fun and my family rocks!  So, I try to live here.  Because I'm not getting it back.

3.  I try to do the right thing.  There's a right thing and a wrong thing.  And the right isn't always popular, glamorous, or even fun.  But, I have this "rest my weary head at night" test - and when I do the wrong thing... my head doesn't rest well.  And it sucks!!  (speaking of late night anxieties...  wonder what I did wrong to be plagued the last two nights?) So, I really try to do the right thing.  Where I often fail - spending money when I know I shouldn't.  Eating when I know I shouldn't (aw heck, eating is a whole 'nother topic - how do you think I deal with those anxieties?! Working on that unhealthy habit...).  And curbing my own self when others are watching.  Yes, believe it or not people learn from us all of the time - and not just the little ones...  But, sometimes - maybe more than sometimes - I throw temper tantrums too.  Remember, when I said I fail often...  And there are plenty of other situations when I don't do the right thing.  But, I have to keep this post at a digestible length :)

4.  I try not to live in a place of guilt.  Feeling guilty is so useless.  Thank you Mom for never imposing guilt on me, and I know she would thank my Grandma.  We just weren't raised with guilt.  Did my grandma always agree with my mom's choices?  Probably not.  Did my mom always agree with my choices?  Probably not.  But, did they make us feel guilty - never!  So, I'm actively working on raising the third generation of not raising guilt-ridden children!  I don't believe in guilt - take that energy and impact change, rather than feel guilty about it.  What is feeling guilty really going to get you anyway??  And besides since I work so hard to have patience, be present and do the right thing, I'm golden and have nothing to feel guilty about.  Ha!  Yeah right...  But, the reality it - feeling guilty is useless.  Apologize, make amends, talk about it, try to make it right and move on.  We screw up all of the time!  So own it, and try not to do it again. Because that's all you can do!  Feeling guilty will get you nowhere.

5.  I try to learn.  I am in the business of people (professionally - as in my job) and I meet ALL kinds.  Plus, I'm a true extrovert and just really enjoy meeting people.  Yes, even all kinds :)  And I don't always get it, or agree, or even embrace...  I often look sideways, look confused, raise an eyebrow and even shake my head.  But, I really try to learn.  People fascinate me!  Their convictions, their insecurities, their boldness, their choices, and their motivators...  and not in the psycho-babble way (because I looooooathed psychology!), but just in what makes them tick.  And who knows - maybe I will learn and incorporate it in to what makes me tick.  So, thank you close friends, randoms, and people I encounter in daily life - because I'm always learning from you, and humility never grows old.  Being humble and learning from others is important.  

Whew!  Now, hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.